This post is in a completely different area than my readers expect….but a subject that has dominated my life for over 6 months, and one I feel I need to get out of my head and on to paper…so to speak.
In 2008, I began a relationship with a man I thought was absolutely incredible, and as it turned out, my first ‘serious relationship’.
Around 6 months later, warning bells started to resound in my ears, albeit falling deafly.
He started to control me – and the worst thing is, I have always been a very observant person, able to read people well, and most of all, I was independent!
Time went on, and as dazzled as I was by the man that made me laugh, made me ‘happy’ and giving me what I had always wanted…only now do I see he was manipulating me to think that is what I wanted.
It didn’t take long until I had given up work, didn’t have my own mobile phone, didn’t see my friends…at least, not on my own…and every aspect of my life involved him.
If I questioned it….that’s how it should be, because we loved each other and why wouldn’t we spend ALL of our time together…
It was this questioning that led to realisation something just wasn’t right…and remember, this was my first ‘proper’ relationship, I simply didn’t have any comparison.
I started to become defiant and resistant to this control…and then I started to see a very different side to him…an angry side, a violent side.
Of course; going to bars came with it’s dangers….one night a guy got hit just for smiling at me….the jealousy and possessiveness was incomprehensible…and completely unnecessary!!
Over the space of two years, I was pushed, shoved, grabbed, hit, punched, kicked and sexually abused….this culminated in a horrific night. The night he tried to kill me.
Had it not been for the fact someone else being in the house, I have no doubt, and he has no shame in admitting, he would have succeeded.
With every slap and every punch…I went back. I hid it, lied for him, covered up for him….and in the end, I cut everyone off because it was easier than hiding it…
It took everything I had to get the courage to leave him….and this time, the last time….I had to move 50 miles away, and not tell anyone, just to stay safe….and to get some clarity in my own head.
Abusers like that get in your head…you don’t realise it, but they are making all the decisions from inside your head…playing you like a fiddle!!
I am watching this situation being mirrored with a very close friend right now….although, the ‘cutting your friends out’ stage has come much later.
I have nightmares about what will happen to her….I panic if 24 hours go by with no contact or at least a Facebook status from her.
To see her take such courage to get out, to fall back in to the trap….like an ant walking towards the suffocating honey in a glass jar….so helpless and unaware of what is before her….no screams or pleads will help…not ever reaching out will prevent the enticement towards the so called nectar….that is the most devastating thing of all.
It’s hard to be put aside for a man that causes her so much pain…and for a man that both her friends and family fear will ultimately lose control and finally achieve what he didn’t before….it’s not just hard….it’s terrifying!
Knowing that all I can do is stand by and pray it doesn’t happen….even worse.
Being in an abusive relationship is hard, from bitter experience I know…..however, with the dark stare of truth, I tell you, it’s worse watching it from the outside, happening to a person you love.
There are no best wishes, yours sincerely’s or love to the end of this post as there usually is….just the essence of pain, of upset and of fear.