At 17, I decided it was time to ‘come out’; to tell the world I had accepted my sexuality. I had been with guys, but never by this point, had a boyfriend. Enter stage right, Grant….who didn’t return in act two!
After Grant, let’s just say, I explored my sexuality! I had a few guys I saw exclusively for no more than a month or so- but didn’t have a serious boyfriend until I was 18. This relationship should have come with a warning- it wasn’t healthy! I spent probably far longer than I should have done in it, but as they say, love is blind- and your penis makes you stupid!
Over the next 4 years, I went from relationship to relationship. Some were blissful briefly, some were me seeking to have a life of luxury and one that I wanted to last forever…sometimes. I had never really been ‘on my own’. As a person, I am somewhat of a chameleon; I adapt myself to suit those around me. Never to a huge extent but some people bring things out in me; others I feel like I have to suppress parts of my personality.
Having done this for as long as I can remember; it’s was inevitable that at some point I would forget how to be me, instead of a jigsaw made up of pieces of what other people thought or how I presumed I should be. This sobering realisation hit me quicker than a shot of tequila, and the hangover was more insufferable!
I decided I would do what I had always avoided….stay single, at least for a while.
At first, it was OK! I could go weeks without ‘grooming’ and no one knew or cared! I wore primark pants almost every day and was able to eat without worrying! I enjoyed my own company, and loved being able to watch TV and not be forced to watch documentaries about crap I wasn’t interested in! In short….it was bliss!
Then I got bored.
I started dating a guy- and when I say dating, I mean I was there whilst he wandered around shops, gazed into his fish tank and really only got his attention when I took my clothes off.
I got bored again.
I went back to my life of not shaving, eating carbs and watching repeats of Downtown Abbey….this time the period of bliss got boring far quicker! I did what every other completely sane and balanced person doe, and went on Grindr…gaydar….hornet….etc. etc. etc…..I was really bored!
Having spent most of my time on there ignoring faceless profiles and people that think saying HI 50 times is going to increase their sexual appeal to you….I got bored yet again!
The boredom of it has long since faded; and is now replaced with loneliness. The thing I didn’t foresee was that spending all this time on my own, I would become selfish and self-reliant. It’s also destroyed my once very confident and outgoing nature; and apparently it’s noticeable.
It has been a journey of rediscovery I guess; but it’s when you are so single that your best friends buy you valentines cards and you have date night with them, instead of someone you want ‘dessert’ with…it gets lonely.
The loneliness is such that; if I didn’t live with my pet-hating parents, I would probably have built up an impressive collection of cats by now! The thought of that makes my heart go warm….and I don’t like cats; I’m horribly allergic to them!
I am now at the stage that, I don’t know where a partner would fit in my life…and if I’d be willing to sacrifice the freedoms I have now- I feel like I am in a catch 22!
I want to be settled down, have the traditional gay life- Him, me, a teacup dog and extensive collection of candles in every room in the two bedroom flat with a balcony….I want it all!
I know I am not going to find it on a networking app, and I know I probably won’t find it in my hometown…but wherever it is, wherever he is….can someone point him firmly in the direction of my local Nando’s…I’ll be there covered in cat hair with a table for two!