I hoped I wouldn’t be writing a post like this again, however, I have been ignoring it for weeks, and I have to let it all out!
Generally, things are ok, so why aren’t I?
I moved back to my parents house a few months ago, and I love my parents. It’s great being here, after years of being apart, some of that time we weren’t even talking…so I really enjoyed the closeness we had begun to have – no more so than that of my step-dad, to whom I never imagined I would have the bond I have now.
I started working with my mum with the Train The Change course – and she asked to become more involved with edUKate training – of which I am now the manager. That was a massive boost for me, and of course I was very grateful.
We had the launch that was great, and I have even been asked to get involved in even bigger things to do with HIV…it’s what I have been working towards for over a year…so why do I feel so down at the moment?!
One part of it I guess, was being torn away from the friends I had made in Brighton….with the exception of just a few, I have no friends here, and I miss the social life I had….and with every day that passes I yearn more and more for that – especially my closest friend Zoe, some days it actually hurts how much I miss her.
I spent all my spare time with my friends in Brighton, and had such a great time with them!
Here…I work…work…and work…. In my spare time, I still work, simply because there is nothing else to do.
I go to bed at night, alone…which is getting to me now more than ever….and I lie there in the dark and most nights cry because of the loneliness that has steadily gotten worse.
I has got to the point now, where work feels more like a lifeline to distract me from how I feel when I stop….and over the last few weeks, it has ripped away my motivation to do my work…not just to my best….I mean at all.
Things keep happening in my life that raise me up, and I feel like I can get out of bed in the morning…then they are either ripped away at the last minute, or just fizzle out…
I am trying to be upbeat about it….and I really am…things are essentially going better than have for me for a long time.
I just feel like day-to-day I’m going through the motions. I’m not doing anything I enjoy, not having a meaningful life outside of my work.
I have so many unresolved issues that seem to be cracking the surface of this new life I have….and these problems are starting to see daylight through the shattering of the façade that has been subconsciously put in place
I don’t for a second want to get in to the mental state I was last year – but something needs to happen, to change or to improve with me to prevent that….and I simply don’t know what it is….I don’t know how to help myself, which makes it even harder to ask others for help.
I’m feeling like I am failing with the Train The Change project – which has times where it feels like it’s about to have a huge snowball effect…then stops dead.
I have put everything I have in to that – and for it to fail…it’s killing me.
Being an activist has been the only thing that has given my life any meaning….and when things don’t go how I hope they will….it breaks my heart, and everything seems to be affected it.
I will do what I always do, and smile through it and be ‘strong’….or at least try!