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Crumbling

31 Mar

Hey everyone.

I hoped I wouldn’t be writing a post like this again, however, I have been ignoring it for weeks, and I have to let it all out!

Generally, things are ok, so why aren’t I?

I moved back to my parents house a few months ago, and I love my parents. It’s great being here, after years of being apart, some of that time we weren’t even talking…so I really enjoyed the closeness we had begun to have – no more so than that of my step-dad, to whom I never imagined I would have the bond I have now.

I started working with my mum with the Train The Change course – and she asked to become more involved with edUKate training – of which I am now the manager. That was a massive boost for me, and of course I was very grateful.

We had the launch that was great, and I have even been asked to get involved in even bigger things to do with HIV…it’s what I have been working towards for over a year…so why do I feel so down at the moment?!

One part of it I guess, was being torn away from the friends I had made in Brighton….with the exception of just a few, I have no friends here, and I miss the social life I had….and with every day that passes I yearn more and more for that – especially my closest friend Zoe, some days it actually hurts how much I miss her.

I spent all my spare time with my friends in Brighton, and had such a great time with them!

Here…I work…work…and work…. In my spare time, I still work, simply because there is nothing else to do.

I go to bed at night, alone…which is getting to me now more than ever….and I lie there in the dark and most nights cry because of the loneliness that has steadily gotten worse.

I has got to the point now, where work feels more like a lifeline to distract me from how I feel when I stop….and over the last few weeks, it has ripped away my motivation to do my work…not just to my best….I mean at all.

Things keep happening in my life that raise me up, and I feel like I can get out of bed in the morning…then they are either ripped away at the last minute, or just fizzle out…

I am trying to be upbeat about it….and I really am…things are essentially going better than have for me for a long time.

I just feel like day-to-day I’m going through the motions. I’m not doing anything I enjoy, not having a meaningful life outside of my work.

I have so many unresolved issues that seem to be cracking the surface of this new life I have….and these problems are starting to see daylight through the shattering of the façade that has been subconsciously put in place

I don’t for a second want to get in to the mental state I was last year – but something needs to happen, to change or to improve with me to prevent that….and I simply don’t know what it is….I don’t know how to help myself, which makes it even harder to ask others for help.

I’m feeling like I am failing with the Train The Change project – which has times where it feels like it’s about to have a huge snowball effect…then stops dead.

I have put everything I have in to that – and for it to fail…it’s killing me.

Being an activist has been the only thing that has given my life any meaning….and when things don’t go how I hope they will….it breaks my heart, and everything seems to be affected it.

I will do what I always do, and smile through it and be ‘strong’….or at least try!

Jayce x

 

 
4 Comments

Posted by on March 31, 2014 in My Blog

 

Tags: , , ,

4 responses to “Crumbling

  1. nova8245

    March 31, 2014 at 2:06 pm

    Reblogged this on Diary Of A Gay Queen and commented:
    This was just…………..*sniffles*

     
  2. mozg02

    March 31, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    All work and no play….not a good balance Jayce. You need to programme in some time to do the things you enjoy. Maintaining friendships is important for well being….in my honest opinion. You asked yourself a question at the start of your blog….and from what you have written…I think you know answer.

    Take good care of yourself

    Maurice

     
  3. hivhoneybee

    March 31, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    My Dearest Jayce

    I hear you my friend, loud and clear. The way you so beautifully express yourself hides a wonderful, caring, creative and intelligent mind, which is trapped by circumstances beyond your control. I get it Jayce because I have been there many times. In the last 5 years I’ve experienced peaks and troughs of mental illness which were always directly related to how my environment felt and how people and things around me either supported and understood me or not. I totally understand how it’s hard to ask for help when you don’t know what help to ask for. Feeling depressed is normal, but it is very different from being clinically depressed and recovery from depression can take many years Jayce. In reality, no matter what anyone else thinks or says or does, for you personally Jayce (and for me separately) recovery and adjustment to life-changing events run a fine line between being ok and not being ok. Perhaps taking the pressure off yourself a little might help you feel less overwhelmed by everything that is going on in your life right now. You have recently experienced so much change and you need time to adjust to that change. Remember that how we think and feel about change is often not how we think we should think and feel about change. And when that change is something you find yourself doing by default, as a result of defending yourself for who and what you are, it’s not really your choice that you’re doing what you’re doing. Recognising that you’re in a certain position because of what happened and not by choice, should help you come to peace with what happened, and some day, everything you do or say or think or feel, will be because you wanted it first, and not because you had to. I’m sure you know exactly what I mean by this and that I speak to you now only with love, acceptance and support for you in mind. If you’d like to chat more, perhaps I can travel to you for a heart to heart over tea and carrot cake (my favourite)! It’s been a while since we saw each other and perhaps I can distract you with an update of my case and how much I truly understand what you are going through.

    I believe now (after years of living in fear) that there’s nothing enlightened about shrinking; that as we let our own light shine, we give permission to other people to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears Jayce, our presence automatically liberates others.

    You may not see the positive effect of your “struggle” right now, but it IS there; growing quietly for now and growing bigger and brighter in time to come.

    With love, Charmaine

     
  4. BennieFLstateTROOPER (@Ble989)

    March 31, 2014 at 6:37 pm

    Can I please offer just a small insight to your life. I am not perfect nor do I have every answer. But I want to first say, the work you are doing is not going unnoticed. It is touching and saving people on so many levels. So if anything, let that keep you lifted up. Now moving back with your parents is extremely difficult for any of us. I am probably twice your age and I personally had to do it twice in recent years and some days, I feel it coming again. But that bond you have is on somewhat better and more rewarding, in more ways then being with friends.

    That lacking social life you feel you are missing, can wear you down like there is no tomorrow. That empty feeling you have needs to be your motivation. It sounds like you need to find that balance in your life. Not going out to socialize is suffering possibly for fear of going out alone in a basically new area. It’s ok to do things alone until you can find those solid people that you want to have in your life. Your young and still have so much ahead of you. No disrespect intended or meant, but HIV is not a death sentence these days. I know it with many friends I have as well as lost, and I have heard you refer to this as well. Take one night a week to go to or go somewhere new and just be that happy bubbly self that you are and watch things take off.

    Let me finish just by saying, an opinion that I personally have, and I know so many disagree with, which is understandable. But if you never have been in this situation or know so much about it because of friends, is where my own opinion stems from. You don’t have to meet someone at 5 and by 6 you have to give them your whole life story and your HIV status. Now if it is someone that you feel could be a prospect for a more intimate friendship, then you go there. Just like so many of us on many levels, even if fully out of the closet, when we may meet new people, we get to know them a bit before we let them know we are gay.

    So in closing wanna say, we have never met in person, but I so respect your attitude and the information you share with people, again to help and touch so many others, even if it’s just one. That is a life you have changed and saved. Keep up your great work, personality, and don’t let ANYTHING change you. Wishing you nothing but the best.

     

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